Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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