God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
why do cheetos always look like penises
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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