i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
