I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
