My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she pinky promised me she was 18
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i now understand why vodka
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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