Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
