Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
