Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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