We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize