I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize