I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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