Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
