i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
