You just made me feel so damn special
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
