Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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