I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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