3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
