Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
