Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Randomize
