my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
