so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
