Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
