cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
