OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
