Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Pants are for mortals
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
