Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
