I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
