If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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