My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
