my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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