I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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