I skipped work to stalk him.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
