I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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