If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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