Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Randomize
