I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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