Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
