It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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