rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I can't turn off my feet"
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
