Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
