What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
