I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
