this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
