3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
