Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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