No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
