every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
