It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
