so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
