I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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