He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
