Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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