the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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