dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
