drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
