I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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