Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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