brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
