She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
