see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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