Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize