I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
