i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
