I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My vagina just recognized that song.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
