God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
