there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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