I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
