Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I understand Curling. That high.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
