I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I am mentally ready for anal.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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